


How (Not) to Have a Soulmate: A Guide by Dean Winchester

by trenchcoatboy



Series: Soulmates and Rewrites [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 16:52:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13861896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trenchcoatboy/pseuds/trenchcoatboy
Summary: Soulmarks are supposed to be world-ordering forces. But, as is usually the case with Winchesters, that's not quite how it works.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I'll just start off by saying that I would never in a million years have written (or read) a soulmate fic of my own volition. But as it happens, I'm writing this for a class...and I got into more than I expected I would. I don't even know how long this monster is going to end up being. Anyway, here's the dramatic af poem that was originally supposed to be the entire fic.

Destiny has had too much to say to him.  
The Righteous Man, the Vessel,  
He has too many names,  
only wants to remember his own  
to stop staring Death in the face  
again and again, world without fucking end.

But there is one more message to be delivered.

One without words of doom, apocalypse, or grief,  
though these have been added in by other messengers  
Clad in a trench coat and rumpled suit  
This one is different.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we deal with the homophobia that still manages to exist in a world where soulmates' names are inked on your skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some angst. Or save yourself the trouble and go read something else.

Castiel. It’s on his right forearm in deep blue ink. His dad has always called it a weird-ass name and he can't really say he disagrees. He thinks he’ll probably call her Cas if she doesn't mind. That is if he ever meets her. Sam and Jess have known each other since forever and so have so many other people. He knows it can happen at any time, but come on already. Where is this girl? He's got more than one reason to be impatient. When he was just a kid it wasn't too bad; he had the name and everything was simple: boy meets girl, they get married, and life is good. That was the story anyway. But then Mary died, and life wasn't good anymore. Not for John, not for any of them. And even after he and Sam got used to this new, hollowed out version of their dad, there were things that weren't quite right. When Sam got his soulmark, he wouldn't show it to anyone. Wouldn't even say where it was, what it looked like, or what name was written on his skin. And then later, Dean had his own problem. He doesn't really remember when it started, just that at some point during high school he realised girls weren't the only people whose bodies and well, everything else he appreciated on a more intimate level. That just isn't a thing. No guy has another guy’s name on his skin and the soulmarks are the end of it. Nothing else matters. His dad is proof. Since his soulmate died, he hasn't really been a person anymore, not the way people are supposed to be. It's a mistake, what Dean is, or feels, or whatever. It has to stop when he meets Castiel. That has to make everything right. Everything seems to be alright for Sam and Jess. Alright enough that Sam doesn't need his family anymore. Dean wonders if he’ll ever be alright like that.

...

Jess is dead too now. He wonders if it's some curse on his family or something where every soulmate of a Winchester is destined to die. He hopes he never meets Castiel. He can go on being mistake and liking dudes if it keeps her alive. He's used to it now anyway and he knows from not actually terrible (freaking fantastic if he's being honest) but still guilt-inducing experience that he's not the only one who's messed up like that. It doesn't matter anyway. What matters is finding their dad.

...

Another day, another death. This time it's Dad. Dean forgets about wanting to be alright. He forgets about everything except the guilt he constantly carries. And protecting Sammy. That's one thing he’ll never forget. He and Sam are all each other has now, and forever, as far as Dean’s concerned. At least that what he thinks until one night in one of the countless seedy motel rooms they’ve stayed in when Sam breaks the dark silence after taking a deep breath.

“Jess wasn't my soulmate.”

He can't have heard right.

“What?”

“She wasn't my soulmate, Dean. And I wasn't hers. We just pretended that we were each other's so people wouldn't ask us about the truth.”

“What the hell, Sam? What truth? What did you need to hide so bad that you lied to everyone? For YEARS.”

Another intake of breath.

“My soulmate’s a guy Dean.”

“What? Sam, that doesn't happen. That's not how it works.”

“Yeah, it is Dean. Soulmarks don't discriminate based on gender. People like Dad just pretend they do.”

“So you're tryin’ to tell me he lied to us our whole lives?”

“Yes! I thought I was a mistake for years until I learned I wasn't the only one. He did that to me, to us.”

“What do you mean, us?”

He gets a signature exasperated Sam face.

“Come on, Dean. I know you like girls AND guys. You don't know which Castiel is.”

He thought no one knew; he thought he'd kept his secret. Of course Sam knows. He apparently knows everything. Dean doesn't even seem to know how to talk at the moment. Sam continues in a softer voice.

“Jess was like me. We were friends and when she told me we decided it would be good to pretend we were soulmates until we were ready to tell people the truth because neither of us had families that even acknowledged that people like us existed. There's a girl out there whose mark disappeared the day the fire happened.”

There's silence for what could be five minutes and could be an hour. Dean doesn't know. All he knows is it's long enough for Sam to give up on him saying anything. But he's not gonna be that guy. Not to Sammy.

“What's his name?”

“What?”

“The guy who's inked on your skin. What's his name?”

More silence. Dean thinks he might not get an answer. But then finally Sam speaks up.

“Gabriel.”


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean is...Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look more angst

He doesn't believe it when he hears Pamela say the name. His soulmate dragged him out of Hell?! No human could do that. He'd gotten used to the idea that his soulmate could be a dude, but how could they not be human? Besides, he doesn't need to drag anyone down with him in the mess that is Dean Winchester’s life. Not after what he did during his time in Hell. He shouldn't be with anyone, human or otherwise. So he says nothing. Not when he sees Cas for the first time in all his dishevelled glory, not when the angel says in his gorgeously gravelly voice that good things do happen, not when he visits Dean in his dreams. Sam thinks he's being an idiot and hasn't talked to him for days. But how is Dean the idiot here? The last thing they need in the middle of all this angel crap is some soulmate bullshit. Besides, there could be some human out there named Castiel. There’s no certainty that it's the guy who dragged him out of Hell (other than the way Dean's entire body seems to respond to Cas’ presence, that is). It's stuff like this that he tells himself every time he sees the angel every time he thinks of just how easy it would be to let his sleeve slide up so that Cas could see his name on Dean's skin. But he can't do that. Not to Cas. He deserves better than Dean. And he's a friggin’ angel for fuck’s sake. None of this is right. None of it ever has been.

Seal after seal breaks, and he says nothing. Neither does Cas. He would have a mark too, right? Is that even a thing for angels? Doesn't it have to go both ways? It can't really be Cas’ name on his arm. That just wouldn't make sense… 

…

Things can only make so much sense when your own brother starts the friggin’ apocalypse, and when you and him are supposed to be meatsuits for Heaven's two most powerful dicks-with-wings in the fight that destroys the world. He's done with all this fate crap. Vessels, soulmarks, all of it can go to hell. At least, that's what he thinks until he gets zapped into the future by Zachariah and sees what he, and more importantly, Cas and Sam become if he keeps going like this. He has no idea what happened (will happen? would've happened?) with Sam, but he can guess well enough how his future self and Cas got to where they are when he sees them. The distance, the hardness in his own eyes and the deadness in Cas’ tell the story pretty fuckin’ clearly. In that reality, they never go beyond what they are. They stay the same, retreat into themselves, and each give up in their own ways. He can't let that happen, can't live through it himself. But he can't tell Cas about his mark. So he does the only other thing he can.

He goes to say yes to Michael.


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's it for now. I'm thinking of making this part of a series so I can rewrite some of canon and actually make sabriel content. Comment if you'd be interested in that.

With every step he takes, he tries not to see Cas’ eyes blazing at him, tries not to think of that perfect face set in a stony expression, furious at Dean for his choice, not understanding that this was the only way. He hasn't seen what Dean has, hasn't seen himself become a sick shadow of what he is now. He doesn't understand that that's why Dean has to do this. Well, that and to avoid the end of the entire fucking world. He has to do this, he repeats to himself. He has to do this one thing right.

It's more or less this that he's thinking when he asks the street preacher angel to contact his angel buddies.

And then Cas is there. Furious, beautiful Cas. He's yelling at Dean, throwing him against the alley wall, growling at Dean that he didn't rebel for this. He has him up against the wall, one hand on each side of Dean's jacket, when Dean finally gets a word in edgewise.

“Cas. Wait.”

Miraculously, he does. But his eyes are blazing every bit as much as they were before. Dean wasn't yelling at first but he is now, and fuck, his eyes are watering too.

“I'm doing this for you, man. So you don't turn into that drugged-up sex-crazy depressed hippie I met in the future. I can't let that happen, Cas. I can't watch you become him.”

“Dean. This is not about me. Or you. Neither of us matters more than the rest of Creation.”

“Everybody's gonna die anyway, Cas.”

He wills him to understand how hopeless it all is, how little choice he has.

“You can't know that. And besides, what makes your free will worth less than my fate?”

He's doing the head-tilt thing. Dean wants more than ever to kiss him.

“Cas…”

His eyes flick to his forearm on their own; he can't stop them. Cas sees, moves his right hand from Dean's lapel to his sleeve, pushes it up his arm, stops. His eyes go from the mark, to Dean's face, and back again. His thumb brushes across the letters and fuck was Dean not made to withstand this torture. When Castiel looks back up, his eyes are blazing again, but this time, Dean thinks, for a different reason.

“You didn't tell me.”

Because he is Dean Winchester, and never fucking does anything right, all he says is,

“You got one too?”

He gestures to the mark with his left hand.

“Angels are not marked the way humans are, given the fact that we don't have similar corporeal forms. It's more like the essence of a soul, like a memory or a feeling in human terms. And when you meet your mate you recognise their soul, as I recognised yours when I raised you from Hell.”

His soul. Cas has an imprint of his fucking soul. This can't be right. None of it. He isn't that special.

“Why me?” he asks, utterly at a loss.

“Dean,” Cas says, like it explains everything, like his name somehow makes him worthy of being Cas’ mate. Then he’s saying it again, softer now, as he angles his head toward Dean's face, moving in to kiss the side of his mouth, his cheekbones, his jaw, and down his neck.

Fuck it.

Dean surges forward, seeking out Cas’ mouth with his own. Cas meets him, kissing him every bit as fiercely as he was roughing him up earlier, pausing every now and then to let Dean breathe and to say his name again while biting marks down his neck. When they finally pause long enough to look at each other, Dean knows he's not going to be Michael's vessel. He's never leaving Cas again. He figures he should try and let him know.

“Let's go home.”

Cas smiles, and they're back at Bobby's soon enough.

Once they're there, Bobby takes a bewildered look at Dean's less than murderous countenance and marked up neck and turns to Cas.

“What happened to him?”

The angel grins.

“I did.”


End file.
